Minnesota Bound

Mack and I have been planning a trip back to Minnesota for the end of August. I've been looking forward to it all summer- Mack finally meeting my brothers and my dad. Seeing where I grew up. It's important to me.

Unfortunately, the trip has been moved up to this weekend, and Mack isn't going. My aunt passed away and it took some financial scraping and some favors (thanks, again) to be able to afford the train ticket at all. If it would have happened two weeks from now, we would have been fine. But death doesn't work on anyone else's terms so here we are.

And before I even set foot in the state I grew up in, I'm already regretting it. I moved away in the summer of 2007 to chase a dude. It didn't turn out like I expected, and I've been back and forth a few times. Each time I'm back, I'm reminded of why I was so eager to pick up and leave in the first place. I'm the failure of the family. The one who's always broke, always needs something. Whatever.

My mom is the only person out of the whole bunch who has never given me shit for leaving repeatedly, or made any sort of an effort to come see me or be in any sort of regular contact with me. My dad came and saw me before my brain surgery out in Oregon. I got a few calls from my brothers. One from a cousin. As far as the rest of them? Not a word. I don't know if they knew about it or not, I don't think most of my family knows where I'm living now. Most of them didn't show up to my graduation party, the day before I moved to begin with.

I call someone, they're busy and don't call back. Send an email? No response. A snail mail letter? Nope. I send a birthday gift, "Oh, you mean it's the same thing you've already given everyone else?" Yep, sell it on ebay if you don't want it. It's signed. If I hadn't sent it, you'd be bitching about not getting one and everyone else did.

I'm sorry that you're all upset that I had to leave to find personal happiness. And that it had to be with a guy and that I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. I'm sorry that it personally offends you that he makes me feel the way he does. Who puts what he's doing on hold to cheer my depressed ass up. And hasn't gotten sick of it after two years. (Thank you, Mack.)

And I miss you guys. I miss Christmas Eve's with the Clark side. Bonfires at Pops' house. Thanksgiving with my mom. I really do miss that. And no matter what, I still love you.

But I have three pretty kick ass kids that I'm pretty damn attached to. And I finally found a man who isn't passive-aggressive or beat me or treat me like shit whenever he's in the mood to. Who's patient with me when I just want to break down. I'm happier than I was in Minnesota. If you truly cared about me, you'd see that and be happy for me.

And family shouldn't disappear because you moved away. Family shouldn't pretend like you don't exist because of choices you've made in the past. Done something you don't agree with. I moved away to try and find someone to make me happy. I didn't kill anyone, or rob a liquor store for drug money. I'm not some horrible person who should be shunned out of the picture because I don't live down the block. Family shouldn't continue to berate me for past decisions that turned out badly.

But my family does do those things. Why should I surround myself with that? Why would I want to show that to Mack, when he sees what it does to me? Why do I try to defend family members, when he can see the anger and the hurt every time I attempt some form of communication?

Why should I even bother, when it's obvious that I'm just an annoyance?