I am trying soooo hard to pull myself out of it. I just want some alone time. Just a day or two to not have to wake up at a certain time or go outside. I want it to rain all day but be warm enough to open all the windows. I want to sit down and make a list of goals for the year and talk to Mack about how we can do them.
I really want to cry.
I'm really sick of people right now. Not people I know, but customers. They could be the nicest person in the world and I just want to tell them "Fuck off, I'm not dealing with you today."
The past week has been crazy busy. At work we're gearing up for Corvette Fest, which is the stupidest thing ever. I should say that my former manager (who doesn't work for the company at all anymore) and I have been gearing up for it. My managers now haven't done shit. We should have been booked full months ago, but we're not so I have been calling every hotel in town, begging them to refer people to us when they get full. Also, I've been calling all the guests who stayed at our two hotels last year, asking if they're coming down this year.
Last weekend, Dan O'Brien and Jason Pargin (Wong) came into town to meet up with Mack and Michael Swaim while Swaim is in town filming a movie. It was really weird having them all in the same place. Jason, Mack and I went out to eat, then went up to watch them set up the set and hung out for a few hours. It was crazy fun, but I had worked an early morning shift so I was completely exhausted. As soon and we got home, Mack and Jason were going to play video games for a while, so I started a pot of coffee, made a batch of cookies and as soon as those were done I passed the hell out.
The next day, my mom and aunt came into town. I worked that morning as well, so I was even more tired that day. We went out to eat and back to their hotel room for a few hours and then I begged off to go home and sleep, because they wanted to leave for St. Louis for the day at 7am.
St Louis was great. We went up to the top of the arch, ate at a great restauraunt, went to the science mueseum. Got pulled over twice. Saw the indian mounds in Il. It was fun, and it was really nice seeing my mom again, but my aunt kept throwing in all these passive-aggressive comments towards me. It was almost like she was trying to start a fight. Mack said the same thing. It was like she would say something really bitchy, but then laugh like it was a joke. It was weird. It was still nice to her though.
I started writing this at work, and I am home now, but I still can't shake this feeling. It's actually starting to get worse. I want to cut. That was what I was trying to avoid is getting to this point in the funk. God, I hate this feeling. My chest gets tight and it's hard to breathe. For the past twenty minutes, I've been clenching my hands in to fists. I looked down and saw marks on my palms so I thought I'd give writing another go.
The worst possible part in all of this is that the kids are here. I love them to death, but I feel absolutely like I should not be around anyone. I'm trying to be cheery and normal, but it's so hard and it feels so fake. If we had the money, I'd honestly go stay at the hotel tonight. Fucking Christ, I hate this feeling.
It seems like it takes longer and longer to pull myself out of this shit. I really need to find some sort of relief that works. I keep thinking "It's ok, it will only last a few days" but that few days just stretches and it feels like the minutes are hours. I look at the clock expecting it to be midnight and it's not even 11:30.
I keep thinking that I can't do this anymore, but what choice do I have. I don't know what sets it off, I can't get out of it. I can't prevent it. I can't stop it once it hits. I feel so Goddamn helpless. It's almost frightening because I can't control it.
I should probably go to sleep, but I would be tossing and turning and replaying every single shitty thing that's ever happened to me. I'd never get to sleep. Or I would end up crying until I fell asleep. If I were alone, I wouldn't mind that but the last time it happened, something happened that made it 100 times worse and I'm not doing that again.
I can't fucking write anymore. This isn't helping at all.
