And it feels better knowing part of where it may be coming from. I've been way down the past few days, and it's almost become a pattern. And I don't know if I just don't remember how bad the last one was or what, but they might be getting worse. I think I might just be forgetting how bad the last one was.
Anywho. Last week it started with the chest-tightness that signifies and oncoming panic attack. Progressing into not being able to sleep, super ultra-clinginess to Mack, horrible self esteem and feeling like I'm failing at everything I do. Today it was so bad I had fleeting feelings of suicide. Don't worry, I'm ok now. It was a nagging thing in the back of my head, just over and over and I finally had to get up and start cleaning and be active. The whole time I was cleaning I just kept thinking that people love me for me as much as sometimes I don't see why. I'm in love with a wonderful man who has been my rock when I've needed it, as often as I do. His kids are amazing, even though they sometimes stress me the hell out, I still love them. My job is really good.
I have a good life. I have to keep reminding myself of this. It's helping me pull out of these funks. I've got to keep fighting them. It's not fair to the people I'm close to around me to constantly have to push me back up. I am not going to be that person who constantly relies on other people to get by day after day.
As soon as I get my health insurance through work, I'm finding a steady doctor and I'm going to get some options to help me with this. And I do need help. It's ridiculous how often this is happening to me. I need it to stop so I can live like a normal person and stop being sucked into this negative pit of doom. I don't care if I have to see a shrink every week or go through fine-tuning medication, or meditate or make drastic changes. I need help. And I owe it to myself and the people around me to get it.
