New Jobs and Surgery

Again.

It's to fix my knee, and hopefully I won't be down long, as I start my new job next Monday.

That's right. New job. I went in to get my paycheck at the hotel on Friday and they had it all messed up. And they were telling everyone that we had to cash them at WalMart because they didn't have the money in their payroll account yet and WalMart doesn't process checks for a few days, I guess.

I flipped out because it's not the first time it's happened, WalMart won't cash checks for me (No clue why) and I couldn't afford three dollars being taken out of my check. So I called my manager and she told me that they'd give me cash out of their bank drop. And as soon as I had the cash in my hand, I quit.

And it felt awesome. I knew I had the new job, but I wasn't sure when I started, so that was a point of stress until my new manager called me on Monday, saying I started in a week. Oh, And I wasn't training in Decatur (an hour and a half, one way) I will be training right here in Effingham. I'm excited because hey, new job and more money (after training) and benefits. But I'm nervous because hey, new job.

And surgery in like an hour. That is really making me nervous. I'm not supposed to smoke for 24 hours beforehand, but I've been so stressed over other things that I haven't been able to help it. I really cut down though, so I hope that's something.

It's a knee scope with possible debriement which means they will cut into my knee and shove a camera in my knee cap and if there's stuff in there that shouldn't be, they will take it out. Not super serious, but I'm still getting flashbacks to my brain surgery and that was super serious. There's still a possibility I could die and all that, because there is with any surgery.

But it will go well and I will be healed and everything will be fine. Because mind over matter. Wish me luck!

Same shit, different day...

Have you ever thought you were kind of good at something, worked at it until you were really proud of what you were doing, only to be told that you were not that good at it?

That happened to me. And it was the worst timing.

They past few months have been a series of ups and downs, but mostly downs. My birthday got completely fucked for the second year in a row, my job is just horrible, and everything I do to try and get out of this funk I'm in makes it worse. I'd been applying for jobs like crazy, just trying to get out of that soul sucking hell hole. I finally had a callback/interview. It went really well. I took the drug test, got offered the job. Just waiting on the drug test results, background check and references to get back to the manager. It's been hell waiting for it. It's like someone is dangling a better life just out out reach. I can see it but I can't quite touch it yet.

I worked on a graphic for something stupid at Cracked.com. Just something to pass the time. Photoshopped for hours, didn't like it, started over 3 times. And when I finally finished and was really fucking proud of how it turned out, they didn't like it. Not only did they not like it, they wouldn't even tell me what to fix or what other direction to go so I could try again. They just don't want me on it at all. I've been photoshopping crap for a few years now, finally felt like it was something I was good at and could possibly make it into a career, and I guess I was wrong.

I know it's dumb to just go right to "you suck, just give up now" because a few people didn't like it, but the past few months have been so shitty that's the place that I'm going to with everything. I can describe my life since June as "Just trying to get through the day without crying". And most days I can't do it. At all. The littlest thing just digs and digs and digs and I don't know how much longer I can live this way. I'm not suicidal, but before when I got this way I at least knew that it would stop. After awhile, I would be able to stop pretending to be happy, and actually be happy. Now I see the appeal. If I had to live day after day, year after year like this, I wouldn't put up with it anymore.

And I'm trying to get myself out of it. I really, really am. I've tried painting, writing, photoshopping stupid shit, walking around, talking about it... Nothing it working.

And now I feel like I've done something wrong. Like I'm not allowed to be in a shitty mood, or be upset or irritable. Like I have to be this perfectly happy person 100% of the time. I know the way that I break down is not easy to deal with. I've had so many people walk away from me before because they didn't get it, or they just got sick of it. If it ruins what I have now, I don't know what I would do. I don't think there's any fixing the part of me that would break after that.

I don't think I'm worth it. I don't think I can fix what's wrong with me by myself, and I don't think that there's other people that give enough of a shit to try.

This is really not helping anything at all.