I seriously feel like I could copy/paste that last post almost word for word and it'd be right on the money of where I am emotionally right now. The sleep thing, the stress thing, the tumor thing. Everything is exactly the same as it was the last post I made. Why do I only write when I'm upset? Something needs to change with that. Maybe if I kept this up a bit more, I would have a way to destress on a daily basis and not leave it all to build up. I'm more than giving it serious thought, dear reader. I've said it before, but I'm going to start writing more. I always forget the calm feeling of peace it gives me, until the moment I absolutely need it.
The sleep thing is terrible. Every night for two weeks yada yada yada. You know the story. I need to find a job that doesn't keep me up all night, the only times we have the kids. I hate not seeing them as much and being so worn out and crabby from lack of sleep around them. It's no way to be a (parent?) I only have two days a week with them and as much as I never really thought much about having kids before all the drama in Oregon, I'm really enjoying these kids. Possibly because the same sense of humor I've found in their father, the one I worked so hard to hide, is in all of them. It's amazing. I hope they never feel like they have to hide that from anyone. I hope even more they can find more people who relate to that later on in life, when it really means something.
I just need a new job period. There's seriously nothing good about that place. As much as I want to, I won't go into detail because I don't feel justified in complaining about a place that I only enter two times a week. That's one of the problems though. I've never worked this little in any job I've had. And at a time where I need it. I know right now I feel like shit physically, but as much as it hurts, if it still does tomorrow, I have to go in. I can't afford to give up one fourth of my paycheck because I don't feel well.
One thing I am sooo very thankful for right now, is as shitty and pissy and angry as I am- This is the first time I've felt all that, and not had to fight the urge to cut. It's not even there. I still want to cry and maybe punch a dude. But that feeling of being so weak and helpless and just want to make myself hurt...it's totally absent. And that's amazing to me. I know it will be back. I've thought a lot, and spoke with a lot of other people about addiction in the past few months, and it's weird to call cutting an addiction (to me anyway) but I know people have problems with it and I was one of them. I don't think I beat it by any means. I know I never will. But it's just one less thing I have to deal with right now.
I've noticed when ever I get into one of these moods is that I don't feel pretty. I don't feel attractive and I hate looking in the mirror. I guess it's part if the "thinking about ever flaw" deal. It counts the physical ones too. That, and I hate this fucking hair cut. Seriously. Worst hair cut ever.
The biggest thing of all that I'm trying to work though is just general missing things. I miss having a cat in the worst way. It's actually bothering me, not having one. I miss Oregon. Not any of the people there by any means, but I miss looking out and seeing the mountains. I miss the smell of the wood mill. I just miss the general beauty of it. It's so flat here, and I've never really noticed how flat it is in the mid west until being away from it. When I was in Oregon, I missed the fields so I guess it's a catch 22. And I don't have any intentions of returning there. Ever. I lost a big part of me when I was out there, and I'm just starting to get it back. I'm just starting again to be comfortable just being me and not trying to be anything else.
I'm starting to go back to all the places I've lived in my mind, and thinking I was happier then, but I know I'm not. I know that it's the mood I'm in right now just fucking with me. The scenery in Oregon was pretty, sure, but holy shit there was so much wrong with everything in my life when I was out there. I was making shit tons more money in Green Bay than I am now, sure, but I was in tears almost every day from the stress and negitiveness that surrounded me all the time. Minnesota is great, and all my family is there, but even when I was back in December, the same thing happened then that does every time I'm there. I love my family for about three days, then I'm so ready to be gone again. I obviously love them all the time. They just piss me off so much sometimes. Where I am, right now, in this relationship, is great. I need to get off my ass and figure out some schooling, try and get a better job and all that. But I'm happy. On a day to day basis, I'm happy. It's so hard to remember that when I'm like this.
This is getting insanely long. Thank you for reading. I'm favorite-ing the site right now, and I will see you tomorrow-If only just to check in.
