This shit can suck a big fat one. It started yesterday, and I foolishly thought I was ok. That because I felt it coming, and knew what it was that somehow it wasn't bothering me as much.
But I guess it takes a day to get ramped up. The paranoia, insecurity, all of it. Just crashed down on me like a ton of bricks. The knowing doesn't do jack shit, other than comfort me that sooner or later it will be over. I just want to crawl in to bed and cry. Or punch things. Preferably people. Screaming might be nice, too.
I keep focusing on all the things I hate. Not like "Oh I hate murderers." But things that apply to my life. It's not healthy. I want to take a whole bunch more of my medication than I actually need for my knee. I won't, but it's still there, in the back of my mind. My thoughts aren't coherent tonight, I can't focus on anything. And my fucking hormones are going nuts.
I'm just sad. That's what it boils down to. All the insecurity, all the hatred, everything. It just makes me so goddamn depressed. The writing helps a bit, but not much.
I'm going to go lay down.
Fuck this.
