Music

"We can get some music when we start making more money." She said, as the thought of living completely without music hits you for the first time. "Just don't go bringing home any random music you find out on the streets. My ex used to do that and it pisses me off." She continued.

So you find some work and later you bring up the subject of getting some music. "We'll talk about it later." She responds, never bringing up the subject again.

You've lived with music all your life. Music doesn't judge you. It's always there to bring you out of a shitty mood. Living without music is starting to suck. She doesn't like music that much, so she's pretty indifferent to the whole thing.

You bring up music randomly, hoping that maybe she'll get the hint. You don't want to seem like you're nagging about it; you're just trying to make her understand how important music is to you.

She brings home a different kind of music one day without telling you. You're happy and while it's not the same music you're used to having, it's music all the same. The music starts to piss you off a bit after awhile, but it's still music. It still knows when you're upset and loves you unconditionally. The music is starting to get on your nerves more and more, but it still makes you laugh when you're having a shitty day.

Then the music that you weren't really used to, but once you got used to it, wasn't all that bad has to leave. You're left without music again.

She says, "Ok, we can get you some of your music. But it has to be this one specific kind, and that's that."

MUSIC! YOU CAN FINALLY GET SOME MUSIC!

You start looking for free music. You find a few sites that have music, and talk to some people who want to give away some of their music. But none are the exact kind of music you're allowed to get. "I'll find you some music soon." She says, "But I'm not getting music that isn't the exact kind of music we already talked about."

More time goes by. You're still trying to find music, but you don't want to bring it up anymore. There's things in your life that are bringing you down. You're stressed. You're tired. You're depressed. And all of these things are getting worse as time passes. You try to talk to her about it and she either ignores you, gets upset at you for it or tells you to stop. You keep thinking about how music, any kind of music would make you feel better. You can't explain why and you can't even begin to make her understand. "It's just music." She'd probably say.

You get a phone call telling you that the music you once owned, but no longer is with you is fading out. The music isn't that old. It shouldn't be fading this fast. The calls keep coming, the music is fading faster. There's not much that can be done. It's adding to your stress. You loved this music. You helped this music grow. The music was always there for you when you were sad, no matter how many times you'd stopped listening to it for months at a time. You cry, trying to hold the tears back. Everything is piling on at once and something that might seem small has the power to break you. All you want is someone to hold. The tears keep coming as you think about all the things you did while this music was playing. You can't help it. You can't sleep because of it. But you don't say a word because hey, it's just music, right?

Ok, it's official.

I'm fucking stressed. Like before I had a job and I thought I was a burden on Mack stressed. It's getting worse and worse. It's money, but at the same time it isn't. It's about trying to figure out how to best approach someone with a problem when it feels like they don't care. It's about not getting support. It's about venting and feeling ignored. It's starting to piss me off.


I've been throwing things around at work all day because I just don't give a shit about this place anymore. I've busted my ass the past five months and when I need something from them, I get shit on. It's been almost a month and still no workman's comp form. I have been coming in on my days off with the kids and working because the managers fucked up the schedule so bad, they're putting people on for 24 hour shifts. I clean the place from top to bottom, clean up everyone else's messes and the thanks I get is people eating what I have in the fridge for lunch. But everyone acts all shocked when I get mad. They tell me I just have to deal with it. No. Fuck you. I'm not going to sit here and get walked on because that's what people expect of me.

I'm just so sick of it. In my personal and professional life. Everyone just assumes I'm going to be there for them, but the second I need something all I hear is crickets. And the minute I get pissed about it, it's like I'm over reacting. Do your fucking job, and I'd be fine. Show me the same courtesy that I show you, I won't be half as stressed and pissed off as I am right now. Follow through on what you tell me you're going to do. Don't sit there and act shocked when you aren't doing what you should be, and everything gets fucked up. Why should I be getting punished for your misjudgment?

I know it's sounding like a "life's not fair" rant, but I don't hold high expectations for life. The things that I've always wanted aren't going to happen. I'm slowly coming to terms with that. It sucks ass, I don't want to have to compromise, but I will do it for the ends. I've always wanted to be married, I've always wanted a house with my own yard, I've always wanted to go to school to do something to help people and I've never wanted to live with out having a cat in the house.

Right now, I know that not many of those things are going to happen. I'm trying my hardest to come to terms with it. At the moment, I'd just settle for not having to live paycheck to paycheck and not having to strech every last penny until the next payday. I'd settle for not working my ass off and then not have the money to get a haircut. I'd settle for being able to take a few days off to fucking relax with no one around. I'd settle for someone telling me I'm doing a good job, for getting some kind of credit for what I'm doing.