I'm getting very close to getting out of here and I couldn't be happier. I had a great night last night with a very good friend and I woke up completely refreshed and more relaxed then I have been in months. I'm looking forward to more nights and days feeling that way and less of the drama filled life I'm in now. I've always preferred the company of guys rather than girls because I've always found it to be less drama. This relationship has proved that there is always an exception to any rule.
As a completely unrelated note: I am watching two guys playing guitar while a third is in the background playing a not plugged in Guitar Hero controller. It is the second best thing I've seen all day.
This was the best. Thanks Wong.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ5qlIP0aRo
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Ahhh...procrastination!
I have been doing it a ton lately, but have still managed to pack up 90% of my things. All that's left now is clothes, bedding and pans. I can't wait until I'm out of here (May 3rd) and it seems like that Sunday can't come soon enough! Recovering well, still some headaches but nothing too awful. I've only had one migraine since the surgery which is a pretty good sign, I think. It came on early evening and when I woke up the next day it was gone. I'm going to be internetless for awhile when I first get back. Looking into putting the cable bill into my name and getting that sweet 3 services for 99 bucks deal that every fucking cable company offers.
Other than that nothing super huge is going on right now. I'm pretty content with the way things are going. Even looking forward to living with my mom for awhile. I've really missed her. I realized when I was sick that something like that could have just as easily happened to one of them and I would be too far away to help them with anything. It's broken my heart to be so far away from everyone in the world that loves me and I don't intend on being that far away anytime soon.
I know that me moving out to Oregon hurt a lot of people and I plan on making up for it. Me moving back home, however is also hurting someone and as much as I hate hurting people-it's something that needed to be done. When he woke up and decided he was losing me, it was already too late. I'm still not convinced that he's changed, either. More and more I see the old him coming back out and I know if I stayed, it would be back to "normal" in no time. Then another six months go by and I'd be in a worse state of mind. Not to mention the fact that John's made it very clear that if we stayed together, I'd have to cut all ties with a few close friends. I'm not doing that again. I've lost friends that way before and fuck if it's going to happen again.
This is taking a more serious turn than I intended. I'm really excited and happy to be going home. I'm looking forward to camping and the State Fair and generally having a life again. This summer is going to kick ass, I just know it. I have a year + to make up to my family and friends and I'm not going to waste it.
I feel like I'm getting a fresh start. Something new and familiar at the same time. It sounds strange but I'm just glad I made it out of the hospital alive and better and that's changed my out look on so many things because I just as easily could not have.
Other than that nothing super huge is going on right now. I'm pretty content with the way things are going. Even looking forward to living with my mom for awhile. I've really missed her. I realized when I was sick that something like that could have just as easily happened to one of them and I would be too far away to help them with anything. It's broken my heart to be so far away from everyone in the world that loves me and I don't intend on being that far away anytime soon.
I know that me moving out to Oregon hurt a lot of people and I plan on making up for it. Me moving back home, however is also hurting someone and as much as I hate hurting people-it's something that needed to be done. When he woke up and decided he was losing me, it was already too late. I'm still not convinced that he's changed, either. More and more I see the old him coming back out and I know if I stayed, it would be back to "normal" in no time. Then another six months go by and I'd be in a worse state of mind. Not to mention the fact that John's made it very clear that if we stayed together, I'd have to cut all ties with a few close friends. I'm not doing that again. I've lost friends that way before and fuck if it's going to happen again.
This is taking a more serious turn than I intended. I'm really excited and happy to be going home. I'm looking forward to camping and the State Fair and generally having a life again. This summer is going to kick ass, I just know it. I have a year + to make up to my family and friends and I'm not going to waste it.
I feel like I'm getting a fresh start. Something new and familiar at the same time. It sounds strange but I'm just glad I made it out of the hospital alive and better and that's changed my out look on so many things because I just as easily could not have.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Happy Spring
I've been working on a painting for the past few days and haven't really felt much like writing, but if I'm going to keep this updated regularly, I'm going to have to suck it up. It reminds me of when I used to try and keep a diary when I was younger. I'd write in it every day for about a week and a half and then totally forget about it. I really do want to keep this updated; I think it's a great therapy tool for me and it will be interesting to look at it years from now.
Things between John and I are getting awkward as hell. He still wants to be together which hasn't been an option for months. He keeps trying to be physical with me and I hate it. It's not going to make it easier for him when I leave and I keep trying to explain that to him. He alternates between trying to show me affection and making me feel like shit. Today he badgered me for a good twenty minutes on why I didn't want to go to his mother's for Easter Dinner. I told him a few days ago I didn't want to go. They think I'm using him and although they aren't the type of people to bring it up with me around, I just don't feel right being with people who feel that way about me. He kept accusing me of staying home because I had other "Plans". Like I'm going to invite some dude over to fuck while he's out. Because what I need right now is another dude in my life. Yup I need that like I need a swift kick to the face.
Ok I've had this open in a tab for about five hours now. I'm just going to publish this part and write a bit more tomorrow.
Things between John and I are getting awkward as hell. He still wants to be together which hasn't been an option for months. He keeps trying to be physical with me and I hate it. It's not going to make it easier for him when I leave and I keep trying to explain that to him. He alternates between trying to show me affection and making me feel like shit. Today he badgered me for a good twenty minutes on why I didn't want to go to his mother's for Easter Dinner. I told him a few days ago I didn't want to go. They think I'm using him and although they aren't the type of people to bring it up with me around, I just don't feel right being with people who feel that way about me. He kept accusing me of staying home because I had other "Plans". Like I'm going to invite some dude over to fuck while he's out. Because what I need right now is another dude in my life. Yup I need that like I need a swift kick to the face.
Ok I've had this open in a tab for about five hours now. I'm just going to publish this part and write a bit more tomorrow.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Greetings!
I know it's been forever and I'm kicking myself in the ass for not writing sooner. Tomorrow will be a full run down of the past few weeks, I promise. Just a few points real fast.
Surgery went well. I was in the ICU most of my hospital stay, but that was only because I still had my spinal drain in and I couldn't move or anything with that in. I was in the hospital for six days. I feel AMAZING. After being so sick for so long it was such a shock how fast I seemed to be healing.
There was a complication; it was a risk I knew about going in. I have something called Diabetes Insipidus. Wiki link-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diabetes_insipidus
I pee every fifteen - thirty minutes and drink 1-2 liters of water every hour. It's frustrating and I'll have it for the rest of my life, but it's something I can deal with.
My mom was out here for awhile after I got out of the hospital, which was awesome because I didn't really have much pain so we got to get out and explore. I saw more of Oregon/California in the 10 days she was here then I did the whole year I lived here. We went to a few historical cities around here, and drove through the Redwood Forest to Crescent City, CA which was fucking beautiful. She was also here during her birthday so I burned her 20 or so CD's of music she's been trying to find for years. It was cute seeing her marvel at the technology. Since she left, I've been reading a ton and working on a painting the past few nights.
I'll post more details of everything tomorrow. Bed time for me. Sleep Well and have an awesome Easter or regular Sunday, everyone.
~Emily
Surgery went well. I was in the ICU most of my hospital stay, but that was only because I still had my spinal drain in and I couldn't move or anything with that in. I was in the hospital for six days. I feel AMAZING. After being so sick for so long it was such a shock how fast I seemed to be healing.
There was a complication; it was a risk I knew about going in. I have something called Diabetes Insipidus. Wiki link-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diabetes_insipidus
I pee every fifteen - thirty minutes and drink 1-2 liters of water every hour. It's frustrating and I'll have it for the rest of my life, but it's something I can deal with.
My mom was out here for awhile after I got out of the hospital, which was awesome because I didn't really have much pain so we got to get out and explore. I saw more of Oregon/California in the 10 days she was here then I did the whole year I lived here. We went to a few historical cities around here, and drove through the Redwood Forest to Crescent City, CA which was fucking beautiful. She was also here during her birthday so I burned her 20 or so CD's of music she's been trying to find for years. It was cute seeing her marvel at the technology. Since she left, I've been reading a ton and working on a painting the past few nights.
I'll post more details of everything tomorrow. Bed time for me. Sleep Well and have an awesome Easter or regular Sunday, everyone.
~Emily
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Oh goody!
Well, it's almost that time, but first-
The trip to California was awesome. The drive wasn't so bad after we made it through the mountains. I hate driving on the side of a cliff. The whole time I had my camera and my dad's and I was taking pictures with both, pretty much just aiming the thing at the window and pressing a button with out looking. We didn't really have a set destination, but we had discussed San Fransisco and that's where we ended up. We stayed in Vallejo for two nights. Took a day trip into San Fransisco and first off, toll booths can suck a dong.
My aunt Sandy had run away from Minnesota when she was in her mid-teens. She ended up in San Fransisco during the "Summer of Love". We went to Golden Gate Park where she and her friends had spent time doing all sorts of illegal activities. We also saw the place she lived in, just down the block from "Haight and Ashbury". That general feeling of being free and a sense of a community within a community is still alive. There's still many people down there doing the same thing that was done 40 years ago. It's quite a beautiful part of the city, really.
We did some normal tourist-y things, too. We drove around for awhile, relying on my dad's nifty GPS system to get us around. We spent the rest of the day at Fisherman's Wharf and took a boat tour around the bay. It went under the Golden Gate Bridge and around Alcatraz which was way sweet. We didn't actually go on the island; all the tours were booked up. Took some awesome pictures and finally got to see the ocean for the first time.
When we left SF, we drove to Santa Cruz. It was a pretty drive, but I admit, I was getting crabby and just wanted to get into a hot shower and go to bed. Drove back to Vallejo and ended up doing just that.
We left the next morning to drive back to Medford. We stopped at a casino but they were lame and you had to be 21 to gamble. My dad won a hundred bucks, though so it was not a wasted detour. The drive back was calm; California was sunny and I didn't want to leave.
The past few days I've just been relaxing. Hanging out in town for a few hours with my dad. It's been pretty cool having him here, we haven't just hung out in years.
Right now, it's about 4 hours away from when we have to leave to go to the hospital. I still need to pack a bag and shower with their special soap. I'm getting pretty nervous. I had to stop eating and drinking at midnight, and although I was hungry, I wasn't at the same time. I forced myself to eat, sat down and started writing this, got about three words down and promptly threw up. I get a bit more freaked out by the minute, but I've been proud at the way I've been keeping it at bay for the past few days. I've had a ton of destractions which has obviously helped.
I've also had a lot of support from many surprising places. My family have been there from the start. I haven't had too many friends the past year or so, but the ones that have stuck have been amazing. I've also made a few really awesome friends since this has started. They know who they are and they have been absolutly wonderful. Everyone at Cracked/PWoT has been amazing. They sure are a bunch of dicks, but when it really matters, they're always around.
Anywho- Once I get to the hospital, I get to dick around for awhile, probably signing a bunch of paperwork and then getting all doped up. Hopefully in that order. Once surgery goes down, as soon as I'm lucid enough I'll be texting a good pal on PWoT to have him post in the thread I have there. I won't be able to update this for a few days, most likely. The headache I'm supposed to have for the next few weeks will make it difficult for me to concentrate on anything so the next post will probably consist of a face mash on the keyboad and telling my mom to hit the post button. I supposidly will have dranage packs up my nose, facial swelling and matching black eyes so there's always that to look forward to.
Once again, thanks for reading, all your well wishes and keeping me in your thoughts. It's greatly appreciated.
Cheers, mates!
~Emily
The trip to California was awesome. The drive wasn't so bad after we made it through the mountains. I hate driving on the side of a cliff. The whole time I had my camera and my dad's and I was taking pictures with both, pretty much just aiming the thing at the window and pressing a button with out looking. We didn't really have a set destination, but we had discussed San Fransisco and that's where we ended up. We stayed in Vallejo for two nights. Took a day trip into San Fransisco and first off, toll booths can suck a dong.
My aunt Sandy had run away from Minnesota when she was in her mid-teens. She ended up in San Fransisco during the "Summer of Love". We went to Golden Gate Park where she and her friends had spent time doing all sorts of illegal activities. We also saw the place she lived in, just down the block from "Haight and Ashbury". That general feeling of being free and a sense of a community within a community is still alive. There's still many people down there doing the same thing that was done 40 years ago. It's quite a beautiful part of the city, really.
We did some normal tourist-y things, too. We drove around for awhile, relying on my dad's nifty GPS system to get us around. We spent the rest of the day at Fisherman's Wharf and took a boat tour around the bay. It went under the Golden Gate Bridge and around Alcatraz which was way sweet. We didn't actually go on the island; all the tours were booked up. Took some awesome pictures and finally got to see the ocean for the first time.
When we left SF, we drove to Santa Cruz. It was a pretty drive, but I admit, I was getting crabby and just wanted to get into a hot shower and go to bed. Drove back to Vallejo and ended up doing just that.
We left the next morning to drive back to Medford. We stopped at a casino but they were lame and you had to be 21 to gamble. My dad won a hundred bucks, though so it was not a wasted detour. The drive back was calm; California was sunny and I didn't want to leave.
The past few days I've just been relaxing. Hanging out in town for a few hours with my dad. It's been pretty cool having him here, we haven't just hung out in years.
Right now, it's about 4 hours away from when we have to leave to go to the hospital. I still need to pack a bag and shower with their special soap. I'm getting pretty nervous. I had to stop eating and drinking at midnight, and although I was hungry, I wasn't at the same time. I forced myself to eat, sat down and started writing this, got about three words down and promptly threw up. I get a bit more freaked out by the minute, but I've been proud at the way I've been keeping it at bay for the past few days. I've had a ton of destractions which has obviously helped.
I've also had a lot of support from many surprising places. My family have been there from the start. I haven't had too many friends the past year or so, but the ones that have stuck have been amazing. I've also made a few really awesome friends since this has started. They know who they are and they have been absolutly wonderful. Everyone at Cracked/PWoT has been amazing. They sure are a bunch of dicks, but when it really matters, they're always around.
Anywho- Once I get to the hospital, I get to dick around for awhile, probably signing a bunch of paperwork and then getting all doped up. Hopefully in that order. Once surgery goes down, as soon as I'm lucid enough I'll be texting a good pal on PWoT to have him post in the thread I have there. I won't be able to update this for a few days, most likely. The headache I'm supposed to have for the next few weeks will make it difficult for me to concentrate on anything so the next post will probably consist of a face mash on the keyboad and telling my mom to hit the post button. I supposidly will have dranage packs up my nose, facial swelling and matching black eyes so there's always that to look forward to.
Once again, thanks for reading, all your well wishes and keeping me in your thoughts. It's greatly appreciated.
Cheers, mates!
~Emily
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Karaoke, St Patricks Day, Teeth Cleaning and Things Shoved Up My Nose.
Happy Saint Patrick's Day! (For another few hours on the west coast, anyway.)
I spent most of the day running around the town. I had an appointment with the ENT dude who shoved a microscope up my nose. It was pretty swell. I also had a dentist appointment. Yay getting your teeth cleaned!
I'm going to be in California for the next few days. I'm bringing my laptop with but I'm not sure if I'll get the chance to get online.
Also, there's a thread over at PWOT/Cracked where we sing.
http://www.cracked.com/forums/index.php?topic=45273.0#msg1108313
It's called PWOT Karaoke, and I did the song 'Kiss' by Prince. It's pretty amusing, you guys should check it out and submit your own.
Have a good week everyone.
I spent most of the day running around the town. I had an appointment with the ENT dude who shoved a microscope up my nose. It was pretty swell. I also had a dentist appointment. Yay getting your teeth cleaned!
I'm going to be in California for the next few days. I'm bringing my laptop with but I'm not sure if I'll get the chance to get online.
Also, there's a thread over at PWOT/Cracked where we sing.
http://www.cracked.com/forums/index.php?topic=45273.0#msg1108313
It's called PWOT Karaoke, and I did the song 'Kiss' by Prince. It's pretty amusing, you guys should check it out and submit your own.
Have a good week everyone.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
In which I berate myself for being stupid. Pay No Attention.
Because I'm treating this as my diary of sorts I'm just going to take this time to beat myself up. Here goes!
Dear me,
Knock it off, you have enough drama in your life already with out thinking about this. Seriously. Enjoy the time you have with this and do not worry about anything beyond it. What ever happens after this moment, this was still a good point in your life. This made you smile when you were sad and happy always. This was meant to be in your life for a reason whatever that reason is, time will tell. This introduced many things into your life that weren't there and you should be thankful. Really, stop being so dumb about it.
Love,
You
Dear You,
I am thankful for this. It still sucks, though.
Love,
Me
I don't have mental problems.
Dear me,
Knock it off, you have enough drama in your life already with out thinking about this. Seriously. Enjoy the time you have with this and do not worry about anything beyond it. What ever happens after this moment, this was still a good point in your life. This made you smile when you were sad and happy always. This was meant to be in your life for a reason whatever that reason is, time will tell. This introduced many things into your life that weren't there and you should be thankful. Really, stop being so dumb about it.
Love,
You
Dear You,
I am thankful for this. It still sucks, though.
Love,
Me
I don't have mental problems.
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