Ok, it's official.

I'm fucking stressed. Like before I had a job and I thought I was a burden on Mack stressed. It's getting worse and worse. It's money, but at the same time it isn't. It's about trying to figure out how to best approach someone with a problem when it feels like they don't care. It's about not getting support. It's about venting and feeling ignored. It's starting to piss me off.


I've been throwing things around at work all day because I just don't give a shit about this place anymore. I've busted my ass the past five months and when I need something from them, I get shit on. It's been almost a month and still no workman's comp form. I have been coming in on my days off with the kids and working because the managers fucked up the schedule so bad, they're putting people on for 24 hour shifts. I clean the place from top to bottom, clean up everyone else's messes and the thanks I get is people eating what I have in the fridge for lunch. But everyone acts all shocked when I get mad. They tell me I just have to deal with it. No. Fuck you. I'm not going to sit here and get walked on because that's what people expect of me.

I'm just so sick of it. In my personal and professional life. Everyone just assumes I'm going to be there for them, but the second I need something all I hear is crickets. And the minute I get pissed about it, it's like I'm over reacting. Do your fucking job, and I'd be fine. Show me the same courtesy that I show you, I won't be half as stressed and pissed off as I am right now. Follow through on what you tell me you're going to do. Don't sit there and act shocked when you aren't doing what you should be, and everything gets fucked up. Why should I be getting punished for your misjudgment?

I know it's sounding like a "life's not fair" rant, but I don't hold high expectations for life. The things that I've always wanted aren't going to happen. I'm slowly coming to terms with that. It sucks ass, I don't want to have to compromise, but I will do it for the ends. I've always wanted to be married, I've always wanted a house with my own yard, I've always wanted to go to school to do something to help people and I've never wanted to live with out having a cat in the house.

Right now, I know that not many of those things are going to happen. I'm trying my hardest to come to terms with it. At the moment, I'd just settle for not having to live paycheck to paycheck and not having to strech every last penny until the next payday. I'd settle for not working my ass off and then not have the money to get a haircut. I'd settle for being able to take a few days off to fucking relax with no one around. I'd settle for someone telling me I'm doing a good job, for getting some kind of credit for what I'm doing.

How far can someone get on a quarter of a tank of gas?

Not far. I didn't even try. I didn't really want to get away, actually, but making that turn into work today was one of the hardest things I've had to do in awhile.

It's the same story. Being so tired but I can't sleep. Only this time I can fall asleep fine, it's staying asleep that I have a problem with. I feel like my whole body is just weighed down with lead and I can't get fully awake for the life of me. I'm zoning out constantly and I'm very, very easily irritated

I've been so drained the past few weeks, every day off I get, I can't seem to enjoy because I know I'll be going right back in the next day. I was supposed to have a whole weekend off but that didn't happen. Even if I wanted to take more than the two days off a week I have, I don't feel like I have that option. I just want like four days off to recharge myself. Have some time alone to just be with myself. There's so much shit I need to sort out in my head, it's hard to do when you're not alone.

I hate bitching about my job because it's pretty easy. It's not super physically demanding, but lately it's taking it's toll on my mental health. I know it's not just from work, but this place doesn't help. I haven't even been here an hour yet and I'm already holding back tears.

It just feels like I'm pushing my own limits and I have absolutely nothing to show for it.

I know everyone gets like this, but these "off" days are coming more and more often. I keep trying to write to get it out, but it's making it worse. I don't knowwhat I'm going to do.

Before I get going, there's a dude on the Cracked forums who quit drinking shortly after Mack did and is undergoing a liver transplant and recovery right now. He's halfway across the world, but he has been a source of inspriation to many the past few months. Godspeed, Yowhound. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

So that last post was all disjointed and I'm sorry about that. I was in a bad spot and what I was writing was just so angry and sad that I didn't want to post it. It's not who I am the majority of the time. I think if it hadn't been about an issue that is still unresolved that I probably would have gone ahead and posted it. I want to be honest with what readers I have. But, as of yet, I still haven't had the talk I need to have with the person I need to have it with.

Every time an issue that is kind of a big deal to me comes up between Mack and I, I tend to dwell on it for a bit and then let it go. I don't want to spoil what we have, but on the other hand, I need to start speaking my mind about somethings because all it's going to do is cause me to blow up on him one day. Enough of that, on to what's been going on.

I'm off of work today and it couldn't have come any sooner. The past five days have been fucking insane to the point where I was dangeroulsy close to shooting someone in the face. We've been full up since last Wednesday which is something I'm still not used to after being dead all winter. And it was one of those weeks where everyone CONSTANTLY needed something and I couldn't get my side work done. On top of that, the owners were calling me with bullshit side tasks to do because they didn't think I was busy or something. It was just stupid, the things they were coming up with.

But life is looking up. As they days go on, we seem to be moving more and more in the right direction. Mack is doing work on the JDaTE site, we're both working our asses off and living pretty comfortably. I want to get back to MN for a bit this summer and I've kicked the idea around a bit with Mack so hopefully we can both go. I'm excited for him to meet my family. Also kind of scared, but whatever. It will be interesting to say the least.

I've been working on a image with Vue for the past few weeks. I love digitally building stuff. If I could find a job where I got to do that all day, that would be amazing. I'm still learning the program so it's not going to be the most beautiful thing in the world but it's one of those things where I can look at it when it's done and go "I did that". And I love that feeling.

Off to picture land, see you all later.

Jobs N Stuff

You know how I was going to quit the motel and work at the gas station? Yeah, I totally endedup quitting there like a day later. I feel kind of bad, because I gave them such shit for not hiring me, but when I went to John to put in my two weeks notice, he offered me full time, only second shifts. Which is exactly what I wanted. So I had to quit the gas station because they weren't going to work around my schedeul anyway. So that's that. And now...

I had a huge thing in here about marriage and what not, but I'm not ready to publish it. I'm not sure if I will but suffice it to say that I'm in a really bad spot right now. I'm dwelling on something to the point that I want to cut, and go out and get all fucked up on all sorts of things.

I'm not going to. I made a promise to Mack and I'm going to keep it. Maybe I'll be a bit more lively in a few days.

Painting and Jobs.

This past week and a half has been just absolutely insane. Like, major life changes insane. At least that's what it feels like. I got a second job, we repainted the entire apartment and I spent just under $1000 on... stuff.

For the past four months I've been trying to get a job at the gas station I normally go to. It's right next to the motel I work at; the parking lots are connected, it's that close. I put in my app, they'd hire someone else, someone would quit, they'd put the sign back up, rinse and repeat. After the fourth time seeing the sign up, I walked into the store, told the clerk to "Take down that damn sign and just hire me already."

A few days later I got a call from the manager asking me to come in and take a math test and fill out a background check. I passed everything and my first day was today. It wasn't bad at all. They use the same system that I used at Conoco back in the day. I picked it back up again as if I had been using it last week instead of five years ago.

The only thing that blows is I wanted the job as a second job and as a back up in case Rodeway went in the pooper. It's going to sooner or later and I'd rather not be caught with nothing to fall back on. Anyway, it's looking like I'll have to completely quit Rodeway. They only way I'd be able to swing both jobs is if I either A) Work a seven day work week. Totally feasible, but not realistic with the management at Rodeway pulling the "I'm not going to talk to you about your second job at all, they're going to have to work around whatever I feel like having you do" bullshit he's been pulling the past few weeks. Or B) Work only first shift at Rodeway, working from 7am until 3pm there, then going to work at the gas station from 7pm until 12:30am. Also feasible, but the girl who's working mornings at Rodeway, they won't let her work anything else because she's pretty much retarded. I'm sorry, but damn that woman is dumb as shit.

So I've decided that I'm going to quit Rodeway, and I'm kind of pulling a dick move and not giving notice. I'm on the schedule for both places at the same time next week. The only reason I haven't done it already is because my mom is coming down in two days(!) and they're giving her a fucking sweet discount at another hotel they own while she's down here. So after I drop her off at the train station on Monday, it's done. I hate burning bridges like that but seriously, fuck that place. Mack said earlier today that it's caused me nothing but stress and headaches and he's right. It wasn't so much the job itself as the people I had to work with and for. They're so broke that every check is kind of a surprise if it goes through.

I'm kind of stressing about the decision. We're finally starting to live a comfortable life with the money both of us are making. We're not stretching everything out just to get by. Yes, we're still pretty much living paycheck to paycheck, but it's not a matter anymore of having to choose between food, smokes, gas etc. With the new job, I'll be getting about 23-25 hours a week. On the other hand, there's actually a chance for raises and promotions. Unlike Rodeway, where people who have been working there for 13 years are still making minimum wage.

At least this way I'll be less stressed after working, it's also shorter shifts so that's kind of nice. And I can get another job with only a few days a week that would make up for the loss in hours. It's going to be kind of rough for a bit, I'm sure. But all in all, I think I'm making the right choice. After talking to Mack about it, and having his support, I feel so much better that I did twelve hours ago.

We've also painted every single room in the apartment this week. We started on Saturday with the kitchen and finished up today in the bathroom. I should say Mack finished up today in the bathroom. He did the fair majority in the rolling part. I did all the trim in every room. Except the bedroom, he finished up that and let me sleep because he's a damn good boyfriend. The kitchen and bathroom are blue. Waaay bluer than we expected, but it looks pretty good. The bedroom and hallway are yellow. I didn't like it at first but it looks a ton better now that we have all our shit on the walls and it's broken up a bit. The front room where the computer and the TV are and where we spend the vast majority of our time is kind of an olive green. It looks awesome with all the wood trim and black furniture we have in it. We tossed the futon, too. All in all, our apartment actually looks like a lived in home and not just a temporary means to an end. I'm crazy happy about the way everything turned out.

My mom is coming down to visit this weekend! I'm so damn excited. I haven't seen her since December when my dad was in the hospital, but I spent most of my time with him so I haven't really had much time with her since I moved down in July. She's coming in on Friday night and she'll be leaving Monday morning. It's not a huge amount of time but it's still going to be awesome. She'll finally get to meet the kids and of course, Mack. I think he's kind of nervous. He's been cleaning like mad and wants everything to look all good. It's really cute the care he's taking into it. No one's really done that before, but as this relationship goes on, I find more and more things that prove this isn't like anything I've had before. And it makes me feel really good. Not all my relationships were terrible, but the ones that were terrible were really terrible. But none of them have been this good. None of them have been this comfortable. It's nice. I recommend them to everyone.

Once again, sorry it's been so long. See you soon.

Emily

All good things must come to an end or something.

I canceled my WoW subscription just now. I can't justify paying even the $16 a month when we're broke all the time. And also, I hate the game now. It's the same reason as it was last year. I'm not going into details but fuck that game all to hell. I gave Mack what gold I had on his server, and split up the gold on my server between my four favorite players. Worked out to 1k per person, so that should make them happy.

I probably should have waited to make this decision, seeing is how I'm running on about 3 hours of sleep for today and about 5 yesterday and oh hell, can you tell I'm not sleeping? I can. I've been on the verge of tears all morning because all I want to fucking do is get one night of sleep. Just one. Of decent, deep, non shitty sleep. I've had one day out of the past three weeks where I've slept more than 5 hours at one time. I'm crabby and pissy and really, really sad. To be continued, the whole "verge of tears" thing is now full blown crying so I'm going to step outside and just do that for a bit.

A few days later than I said...

But I'm back within the week. That's something, right?

Finally took care of my headache via the ER. Sucks because it's another bill to add to the pile, but my head doesn't hurt anymore and that's awesome. Another CT scan (Clean) but I don't think I will be totally at ease until I get a MRI. I'm still all groggy and bleh from the Morphine they gave me. It's crazy how long that stuff lasts. I will feel fine for a few hours then a new wave of it will hit me and I get all sluggish and spacey. The day after I had it, I was talking to people and carrying on full conversations only to not remember them hours later. I would remember talking to someone but nothing of that was said. I was replying to text messages the same way. I had to read all the ones over in my inbox later to remember everything.

I submitting my intent to enroll at the community college down here for the fall. I'm kind of excited, but at the same time I'm trying not to get my hopes up because I don't think I'll be able to afford any of it. We'll have to see. I'm not sure where to go from here but to apply for FASFA. I'm also starting the steps to apply for the IL EBT card and once I get my birth certificate and high school transcripts, get my IL driver's licence and then (hopefully) some sweet, sweet state health care. Fingers crossed. I really need this.

I haven't slept for more than a few hours (the most being around 4, I think) at a time in about two weeks. Tonight I am sufficiently exhausted and have nothing to do early tomorrow so here's hoping tonight is the night that breaks that. I can tell the toll it's taking on my body and mind. Achey and Spacey have become my BFF's.

Speaking of which, I am totally zoning out over here. I'll come back soon, I promise.
Things are slowly moving in the right direction. Feels kind of nice.