Hopefully now I can sleep.

I didn’t start writing this to go off on a tangent about the ins and outs of faith and belief. I started writing this because last night we thought Mack had a heart attack, and while I was freaked out at the time, the whole thing just came crashing down on me and I needed a way to release some stress. Writing has always helped. It might not seem connected, but it is.

I’ve always believed in something. I never thought that there wasn’t some higher power or deity running the show. I’ve toyed with many theories over the years. I’ve gone through many phases, practicing different religions, discussing and reading up on many more. I never wanted to call myself a Christian, due to bad experiences with people pushing it on me when I was looking for answers. Also, because I was one of those people who didn’t want to follow what most people were doing, because it was what most people were doing. I wanted to be different.

What I stuck with for a long time, was never really a defined “religion” I found in most religions I had read up on, what it boiled down to was being a decent person, to yourself and to others. Helping when you can, taking help when needed and paying it forward. If anyone asked, I said I was Agnostic, claiming, “I believe in something, but I don’t know what it is.” A lot of people are of the opinion that Agnostic is not taking a stand either way. Whichever they define it as; I’ve come to realize that it’s kind of a bullshit, middle ground stance. The point of faith is to actually believe in something. To say “I believe in God, and trust that He is going to guide me through my trials, and welcome me with open arms at the end.”

I’m not claiming that if you are X religion, you’re going to Hell. I think that as long as you live your life as a decent, caring person, God will welcome you into Heaven at the end of your journey. If you go against that, but genuinely ask for forgiveness and live your life the best way you can, He will see that.

I never, ever thought I would call myself a Christian. We weren’t raised in a house where we went to Church or talked about God. My parents both had that pushed onto them, and wanted us to make up our own minds about our own beliefs. The few times I willingly went to church when I was looking for some sort of answer, it was pushed on to me the moment they knew I was just kind of “browsing”. I hated that. One church found out I was never baptized and wanted to do it right then and there. Without my family. Without me having any real knowledge about Christianity besides the basics. I thought it was absolutely absurd. That being forced on me angered me so much, I turned away from it and didn’t look back until years later. Even three months ago, I would have told you I was Agnostic. I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, and that someone is designing it all, but I would never say, “It’s God’s plan”.

That all started to change a few months back, with a late night conversation with Mack. He pretty much said, “Being Agnostic is such a pussy ass way out of making a decision”. I wasn’t offended, because I knew he was right. At the same time, I knew what I had molded my faith into was Christianity without the commitment or label.

We were going through a rough time, financially. When I moved down here, I was all but guaranteed a job upon arrival. Once I got down here, however, that job interviewed me and never called me back. I had multiple interviews, with nothing coming of it. Mack was carrying me on what he was barely making ends meet before I came down. It finally reached a point where if I didn’t get hired in the next two weeks, I had to go back to Minnesota. I was terrified of that outcome. Here I am, finally in a normal, loving relationship, and it was about to go back to seeing one another via webcam until we could get enough money together to try again.

So I did something stupid. Instead of treating this as a normal relationship where I could go to him and vent out my stress, I started cutting again. I couldn’t sleep; I was getting physically sick from the stress. I waited until Mack fell asleep, went into another room or outside and cried. I would cry until I couldn’t anymore, and then I would cut until my mind was off my stress and on to my pain. Then I would finally fall asleep. There were nights that I would take sleeping pills, and still be up for more than 24 hours. I was unable to sleep until I had cut. I felt like shit for it. I felt like shit because I was down here, burdening Mack. I didn’t want to go to him and vent, because I somehow felt I didn’t deserve to have the right to. I was scared and depressed and stressed.

Then one night, I went outside to do my thing. I sat and smoked and cried. I leaned against the truck and looked up. Something right then clicked for me. I asked for forgiveness for all the shitty things I’d done. I prayed. To God. Not to some chance higher power. I said I was sorry for putting off the inevitable for all these years. I put my life into His hands. Even when I was so sick I couldn’t eat for days, and in intense pain before my surgery, I was never able to do that. A few days later, I interviewed at my current job, and was hired that day. You can interpret that any way you want, but I feel that God heard me that night.

That night solidified my faith. It wasn’t the fact that I got the job. I prayed for peace and guidance and it was something I received that night. I felt that everything was going to be ok, the second I ended my little “Dear God, it’s me, Emily” moment. I put my life into His hands and He guided me to a solution. It was something I knew then, I am Emily-Christian, but it wasn’t something I mentioned to anyone until writing this.

What brings me to writing this all down is one of the scariest things I’ve ever been through. Mack got really sick two weeks ago. Since then, he’d been having chest pains. He didn’t tell me until three or four days ago. That day, they had gotten so bad while he was working he almost called an ambulance. The next day, it happened again, but worse. It was while he was at work, and it actually dropped him to the ground. He had shooting pains in his arm, and his fingers were numb. His boss took him to the ER, and came to pick me up. The second I opened the door and saw Mack’s boss standing there, I knew what had happened and for a long time, I couldn’t think. I heard Darren talking, but it wasn’t registering that he was speaking to me. He drove me up to the hospital and led me to Mack’s room.

I forgot this blog exsisted.

Seriously, my bad. I know there's a whopping five people who read this, if that- but I still feel kind of bad.

The past few months have been pretty strange. Not strange, really- but lots of highs and lows. Very stressful. I was all but promised a job before I came down here and that fell through within the first few weeks. Since then it's been nothing but apply for a job, have an interview, and never hear another word. I had applied at Kmart, gone to two interviews and had them run me around for a month and a half. I just finally got a job at a motel in town, they called me back the day I interviewed, so that was nice. The second they offered me a job, Kmart called me back. I've also had more phone calls wanting to set up interviews since I started my job, then I have had all month.

So I started the job, and it's going quite nicely. Fairly easy, most of the customers are normal human beings. Not much screaming. They've never hired anyone as young as me, because once I finish training, I will be the only person working and in charge of a 40 room hotel. Yay, responsibility.

So I'm alive, in case anyone was wondering. Incredibly less stressed than I was last week. I'm thinking about writing a little retarded short story and posting it here, but we'll see. I need something to do to be creative because it's driving me insane, not being able to paint.

Finally on a bus!

Things are looking up

Last week was a pretty rough one. On top of having a rough Father's Day, I was just in a general funk the whole week. I found out on Friday that one of my aunts was in the hospital with a collapsed lung, which turned out stemmed from a tumor growing in her Bronchial Tube. It's not in a place that can be operated on, it is cancerous and they are doing Chemo (from what I've heard, anyway.) I have been stressed about finding a job here, when I'm going to see Mack next, and I just had a general case of the blahs.

This week has been going a ton smoother. I recently got in contact with a friend from my childhood, one I have been thinking about a ton for the past few months and who I haven't seen since his brother's funeral. The day we started exchanging IM's, we talked for a few hours. About his brother, psychology theories, music and our love lives. It was great. We're hooking up for The Taste of Minnesota on Friday, and I'm attending my first hard metal concert, Judas Priest and Whitesnake. I'm pretty stoked.

Mack and I have discussed in further detail what it would take to get me down there permanently. We've got a bit more of a plan now, but that plan can only happen once I find a job. I've sent out countless applications and resumes in the past few days, just crossing my fingers for callbacks now.

No one is going to be surprised that I'm moving. It's become some sort of in joke now. Everyone I've run into since being back home has asked, "So, are you sticking around this time?"

I was planning on it. For awhile at least, but long distance relationships suck ass and it puts way too much stress on the people involved. I'm not losing Mack, the person who was there for me every night, cheering me up, making me laugh, making me feel beautiful again while I was going through the worst six months in my life...I'm not losing him and this relationship over something that's fairly easy to work around.

I say no one is going to be surprised, but oh man, are they going to be pissed.

My mom knew right away I was taking off again. She's already been helping me get my car fixed enough to drive down there. Helping me pack, get things organized to leave. She's the best person in the world, she's so understanding and I love her.

My dad is another story. When I was visiting Mack, he would not answer my phone calls or texts the entire time I was in Illinois. He will walk away from me if I even if I start talking about Mack, or anything to do with IL. He's the most childish person I know, and I know he's going to flip shit when I tell him I'm leaving again.

My cousin, Sammy, is one of the greatest friends a person could wish for. I know she is going to be incredibly hurt when I leave and she is the only person I'm concerned about telling. She's helped me out so much in the past few years. She is, for all intents and purposes, my big sister. I love her dearly, and I hate leaving her- I hate leaving everyone.

I can understand why people have a problem with me taking off again. Green Bay was nothing like it was supposed to be. I was shot down repeatedly for a chance at a relationship when the whole reason I moved out there in the first place was to be with someone. He gave me excuse after excuse about not wanting to date once I got out there, even though before I moved, we had talked about nothing but us being together. I sucked it up as best I could, worked, paid my share of the bills and lived my own life. When I told him I was leaving, he then confessed his undying love for me, became abusive when I rejected him and I bailed.

I went to Oregon from there, to be with John. Things went ok at first, and then we started having problems. I would bring up what was going on, to have things change for a few weeks at the most, and then end up in the same routine over and over. Until I got sick, and it got worse. I wasn't able to cook and clean, I lost my job and the mental abuse I took from that was something I didn't think I could get over.

But I did. With the help from Mack. So my track record of moving away, and getting into these shitty situations is high to say the least. I don't blame people for thinking something is going to go wrong with this one. All I can really say, is that I feel with everything in me that he was put in my life for a reason, and I think that reason is to make me incredibly happy. I think I was put in his life for the same reason. And I think we both deserve it.

So I tell everyone who gives me shit this: I'll never know until I go down there and give this everything I can.

That's exactly what I plan on doing.

Been A Strange Few Days

The past few days have been kind of...weird. I've been in a funk of sorts, and trying to climb out of it has proven difficult. Luckily I've had the help of some good friends, and the best man a woman could hope for.

When my dad came out to Oregon before I had my surgery, I thought things might not be so strained between us when I got back to Minnesota. I was proven wrong once again, and because he's paying my cell phone bill, I try to have a semi-civil relationship with him. He doesn't make it that easy.

My living situation isn't the greatest at the moment, and of course no one can find a damn job to save their lives right now. It's becoming a huge burden on my mother being here and I hate accepting help from people in any situation, and one where I'm affecting someone negatively just kind of blows.

On a lighter note, I've been working on a painting the past few days, one I needed to finish from Oregon, and I think I'm getting close to done with it, which is exciting. I've thought about posting ads on Craigslist trying to sell them, but I'm not sure they're good enough where people would buy them. Also, I'm not sure if I could part with them. It'd be a nice way to get some quick cash, though. And a nice way to maybe get another bus ticket.

Short Little Blurb

This is just going to be a short little thing.

There is a song that Mack once played for me on the guitar. He said it reminds him of when I was in Oregon. After hearing it, I'd have to agree...

The song is called "Are You Sad" by Our Lady Peace, and it's easily now a song I identify with and now keep close to my heart.

Here is the song on Youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPe2Xn3emcs


Here are the lyrics:


Your life has been so hard
It's dried up angels that can't keep guard
I'm trying to reach your hand
But I'm on fire
I never planned to fade... away
Stay with me
Stop pretending when they say that you're nothing

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn't be..

I'm drowning inside your head
Help me to answer
Help understand
Why it's been so long since we talked like friends
Please, forgive me,
I'm just a man
Whose made mistakes

Stop pretending when they say you're nothing

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn't be..

Back In Minnesota...

And not thrilled about it. Illinois was very awesome, though. I had a blast. Felt more at home down there than I have in a very, very long time. The city was decent sized but it still had that smaller town feel to it. Much like Green Bay, and I looooved that town.

Since I've been back, it's been fairly stressful. Trying to find a job and deal with a retarded amount of issues being thrown my way. The only relief I seem to get is from midnight on, when I talk to one of the few people who can keep me sane. He's done it from the first time we ever spoke, and I'm incredibly thankful he is in my life.

I've been working on a fair amount of digital art, which isn't my normal medium, but I'm really enjoying it. I'm trying to think of possible career moves involving art, and then looking at schooling from there. I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know if most people have that figured out at this stage in life, but I'm being indecisive. Which is getting me a whole lot of nowhere.

I've always put relationships above other things, which I don't see a problem with. I have always wanted to find love more than make a certain amount of money, or have certain things in life. I'd grown up on the bare necessities and I'm fairly comfortable continuing a life like that, as long as I had someone who loves me and makes me happy. I never really understood the people who freak out and put off relationships because they are furthering their career or whatever. I guess some people prefer to be alone, and that's fine. But I'm not wired like that at all. I don't just jump into the first bed of someone who shows interest in me, and besides the past shitty ass year, I was more often single than in a relationship.

I'm not sure where I was going with this, but it's something that's been rolling around in my mind for awhile after comments people have made about the current relationship I'm in. I know this isn't the most "orthodox" relationship. It's far from it. People are picking it apart piece by piece from the distance, to the age thing and many other factors. It's no one's life but mine, just drop it and let me have my happiness for once. After the year I've had, I think I deserve a bit of a break.

This is turning into a bit of a whine-fest, so I'm going to chill on that topic for now. I've said my piece and I feel better for it. This is why I need to keep updating this. When I was in Junior High, I had a very close friend named Casey. Casey was the shit, and I could talk to him about anything I wanted. Like many people in junior high and high school, we passed notes to one another. It got to the point where we had two notebooks going at once, I had one and he had one and we would write to each other and switch (usually a few times a day). It was like a diary of sorts, only it was being read by someone else. I still have the notebooks, and I still read them all the time. Unfortunately, I don't have the friend anymore and that friendship is something I think about on a daily basis. So this is my new notebook. This is my new diary.

I'm going to end this for the night, but that last section has me thinking about how easily the tightest bonds of friendship can fade away with time and distance. I think it's a good topic for me to write on at a later date.