Hey Guys!

I'm sorry I haven't updated in forever. My life has taken some pretty serious turns and I've been trying to deal with them all.

The relationship I've been in for the past year has been slowly going downhill for sometime. It took a smack in the face from a few close friends for me to realize it and once I did, I had to make a decision on if I wanted to continue down the path I was on. Over the course of the past two months, I've gradually come to the conclusion that I didn't want to be with the person I was with and that I need to be on my own for awhile to do some soul searching.

The breakup has been rough on both John and I and it's been worse because until I have my surgery (which was pushed to March 25) I have to stay out here with him. It's been awkward and frustrating. On top of all that, I'm pretty much incapable of doing anything at this point so John has been cooking, cleaning and driving me places. I feel helpless and useless and I hate it.

Moving on, I've gotten a bit of feed back about the first post of this blog. Some say it's too long and kind of depressing. After this post, I will try to keep the length down but I would really like to get the story out of what has transpired the past six months and then update it every few days. As for the depressing part, it has been amazingly depressing to go through. I've tried to liven it up as best I could but all the jokes fall flat with the seriousness of the situation. I don't want to turn this into a blog about brain tumors because I hope to continue this after surgery and recovery as it has been a good source of therapy for me.

(Part Two)

Later that week I did receive a call from the Neurologist that would be handling my case. The office that he works for is the only place in town that handles brain and spinal injuries. They were booked for about a month out so I made an appointment for the earliest time I could and waited.

It was right before Thanksgiving when I had my initial appointment with my doctor. John and I went in, and waited to be called. Once I was called I went through the normal doctor visit routine; blood pressure, heart rate, height, weight ect. The doctor came in a did some quick tests on dexterity, movement and coordination. Then we went back into his office and for the first time I got to see the MRI scan.

The tumor itself was a bright white spot in the middle of my brain. If you take a human head and cross section it the pituitary gland is located pretty much directly behind the eyes and right above your ears. http://georgiahealthinfo.gov/cms/files/global/images/image_popup/ww5rn89.jpg

My tumor is pressing against the gland, creating all sorts of havoc for the hormones the gland normally creates. I've become increasingly weak, tired, depressed/anxious, my weight keeps going up and down by fifteen or twenty pounds, I haven't gotten my womanly gift since August and I can't eat for days at a time because I am so nauseous.

The doctor told me he wanted me to get some blood work done to see what it was doing with my hormones and get my vision tested to make sure the tumor wasn't pressing on my optic nerves and deteriorating my eyesight. He discussed various methods of treatment and also what could happen if I left it untreated.

When we left the office, I was told the two places I needed to go for these test would be contacting me shortly to make appointments. I pretty numb from all the information I had received in such a short amount of time on the ride home. I had planned on canceling my trip back home to Minnesota on account of all the tests I'd need to have done and the urgency it seemed they needed to be done.

Thanksgiving came and went. I spent it with John's family and greatly missing my own. I had yet to hear from the doctors with the two offices I needed appointments for. I called my own Neurologist's office almost every day to see what was taking so long. They were waiting for the case to be dictated and made into a report that could be sent to those offices.

John and I bought a mobile home in late November. It was exciting that we were moving into our own place and we bought it for fairly cheap. I had also decided "Fuck the doctors dragging their asses, I'm going back to Minnesota." and so the first week of December, I did just that.

Early Christmas with my family was just what I needed to get my mind off of what was going on back in Oregon. I spent time with my family, did some shopping and a ton of reading. I didn't want to leave, but I had to go back to Oregon.

Once I was back, I finally got the appointments made. We began packing up our apartment in small steps and I began painting our kitchen in our new trailer. We didn't move until the last week in December and had left our cleaning up of the apartment until New Year's Eve. Things were going decently enough though they were not moving as fast as I would have liked. I thought the stress and anxiety I was feeling had to do with moving and the body pains I was beginning to notice had to do with the actual move itself.

During January I had started to feel more weak and tired than I had been, my appetite changed and I struggled to go to work. I eventually lost my job due to me getting so sick, I didn't feel comfortable driving a car, afraid I was going to pass out at any time behind the wheel.

I had my vision checked and nothing had changed with that. I also had enough blood drawn to feed a vampire army and I had to pee in a giant jug for 24 hours straight so they could monitor some hormone levels in that. I had to keep it in my fridge. Once the test results came back for those tests, they were sent to my Neurologist and I met with him once more.

He explained that with the nature of my tumor, we could wait and see or I would undergo surgery. With "wait and see" method, I would go through the same hormone tests and get an MRI done every two months. Not comfortable with that option, I said I would do surgery. I was in turn informed of the risks and told that once surgery was over, it still might not fix any of what I was going through. I could die, stroke and not return to my normal self, but on the flip side-this might just fix me. He informed me what the surgery would entail and tat he would be doing it, along with an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor in town which he wanted me to see.

Later that week, my surgery was set for February 18th. I had an appointment with the ENT doctor and things finally seemed like they were moving along. The days were moving along quite fast now. I had to go sign paperwork in the hospital, underwent more blood work, and given a special soap to shower with before my operation.

I got a call the Sunday before my Wednesday operation saying the ENT doctor had fallen ill and they had to reschedule my surgery. I was crushed. All this waiting I thought it was almost over. I had to fight with the airlines to change my mother's plane tickets as she was coming out to take care of me after the surgery.

That pretty much brings us up to now. Surgery is set for March 25th, plane tickets have been changed and once I am ok to fly, I'm blowing this popsicle stand. My dad is also taking his first vacation in years to fly out here next week and hang out with me. We're going to drive to California, I told him I didn't want to come back until I had sun burn. I've been dealing with a ton of passive/aggressiveness with John, but now that we have called it quits with our relationship, a bit of that tension is gone. I'm looking forward to being back in Minnesota with people I love.

I've made some pretty sweet friends through this whole ordeal. They've been there when I've cried and cheered me up when I wasn't feeling my best. You know who you are, and I love you dearly and thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn't have made it with out you.